What I wouldn’t give for one more hug from my brother. What I wouldn’t give for one more radio shift at my first major market radio station in Boston and a night out on Landsdowne Street with those old friends. What I wouldn’t give to walk out my front door in LA and see all of my best friends sitting around my swimming pool. What I wouldn’t give for the body I had when I was 19. What I wouldn’t give for my grandmothers' mac & cheese right out of the oven. What I wouldn’t give to have my whole life of countless possibilities ahead of me.
Here's the caveat. If I could go back in time for "one more" of each of these things, I would want to be the me I am now.
The me I am now would not only appreciate these things, but savor them.
The me I was then, didn't realize their significance and squandered them.
The me I am now realizes their preciousness.
However, the "now me" only learned these lessons through their loss.
Ironic, isn't it? I almost wrote..." what I wouldn’t give to have a reprieve, from constantly thinking about how damn fragile this gossamer life of ours is to naively feel safe, secure and invincible again, if even for a minute".
But I realized as I wrote this list, that it is only by recognizing the fragility and impermanence of it all, that we can fully and wholly embrace experiences as we live them.
There is no going back in time. There is only moving forward, carrying our history
with us. There is a give and take, an ebb and flow, a price and a payoff and a lesson it all.